Do-It-Yourself Home Surgery: The Real Romneycare

To: Mitt Romney

From: Paul Ryan

Subject: Free Enterprise Trumps Obamacare

Just came from a meeting with the senior team at Reamco. They’ve produced millions of the home surgery kits, and will be ready to ship the day we start running the ads. Karl sent me a copy of the spots they’ve produced, which I am enclosing below. I think this is the game changer we’ve been looking for. It will reframe the focus of the debate away from your tax returns, and the “legitimate rape” nonsense back onto Obamacare where it belongs.  Let me know what you think.

Fade In:

Here’s the truth about Obamacare:  it does nothing to stop the runaway cost escalation of healthcare, it forces millions of Americans to buy a product they don’t want or need, and it’s paid for by gutting over seven hundred billion dollars from Medicare. And, worst of all, even with this big government take over of health insurance, an extended hospital stay can still saddle you with tens, even hundreds of thousands of dollars, in uncovered medical costs. When Mitt Romney’s president he’ll work with America’s job creators to create a private enterprise health care solution that will slash costs, save Medicare, and it will be completely voluntary.

Hi, I’m Doctor Able Proctor here to tell you about an extraordinary medical breakthrough that puts control of complex surgical procedures right back where it belongs: in your own hands. That’s right, the do-it-yourself revolution has finally hit the surgical industry, and that means huge savings and convenience for you.

Sound incredible? Hey, you pump your own gas, you place your own phone calls, and you run your own elevators. Isn’t it time you did your own surgical procedures as well? You know that cutting out the middleman saves you money. When that middleman is your typical jet setting, country club surgeon, the savings are outrageous. In fact, you might say the first simple, money-saving operation Reamco helps you perform is a “surgeonectomy.” Bye-bye high-priced medical establishment. Now say “Hello!” to the savings, fun and adventure of performing complex surgical procedures right in the comfort of your very own home!

“It sounds complicated.”

A lot of people think so, but the easy-to-read, step-by-step, illustrated guide that comes with your Reamco Starter Kit makes surgery as simple as changing your oil. You’ll be amazed how quickly you progress from one exciting procedure to another. Soon you’ll be performing operations on all your loved ones and friends.

“But doesn’t it require a lot of sophisticated equipment?”

If you’ve got a kitchen table the Reamco Starter Kit provides you with the rest. Many of the most desired operations require little more than a box cutter and tweezers. Even operations that once required elaborate life support systems can now be performed using only a turkey baster and an enema bag.

“This sounds too good to be true. I’m afraid to ask how much it costs.”

Before I tell you the unbelievably low, low price, let’s look at everything you get:

• You get our illustrated surgical guide, “Cut & Run.”

• You get our multi-purpose cutting tool with a bonus compass in the handle.

• You get five different cut-on-the-line patterns for our most requested operations

• You even get the surgeon accessory package which includes:

-       paper scrubs

-       a sterile mask

-       magnifying eye glasses

-       a diploma with gold seal, and

-       a Cuban cigar

• And, if you order right now, you’ll also get a one year subscription to “Hobby Surgeon” magazine.

With this kit you’ll be able to perform: tracheotomies, colostomies, appendectomies, tonsillectomies, hysterectomies, even biopsies. And that’s not all! With our simple, step-by-step instructions, you’ll even be doing your own by-pass surgery. So go ahead, break out the bacon and whip cream!

Isn’t that incredible? For the unbelievably low priced of $699 you could be performing all these money saving (and potentially money making) operations today. Or, if you prefer, you can take advantage of our convenient monthly payment plan. With only ten payments of $599 you’ll save even more. Or pay with your credit card and receive our special thank you bonus CD, “Cash In On the Home Cosmetic Surgery Boom.”

We’re so confident that you’ll love the convenience and huge savings of home surgery that the folks at Reamco are offering an unprecedented guarantee: if you don’t save at least twice the cost of this kit with your very first home operation we’ll return your entire purchase price with interest, no questions asked, and you can keep the kit! But, hey, don’t take my word for it. Just listen to some of the success stories from folks who have already taken the Reamco plunge:

“Sure I love the money I’ve saved but that’s nothing compared to what Reamco has done for my self esteem. Everyone in my family used to think of me as a big loser, but not anymore! They couldn’t believe that I took out my own spleen in just one weekend. I know it sounds incredible, but here it is, and I just feel fantastic.”

Ronnie Kusic, Dallas, TX

“My hemorrhoids were killing me, and nothing I tried helped. Then I heard about Reamco. Within a week of receiving my Starter Kit I literally carved myself a new asshole. I feel like a kid again. I can’t recommend these products highly enough.”

Somerset Butz, Des Moines, IA

Aren’t those stories incredible? Now it’s time we heard from you! This is an offer you can’t refuse. It can’t get any better than this, OR CAN IT? If you call 1-800-CUT-NRUN right now, in addition to the kit, the guide, the patterns and the Cuban cigar, we’ll also donate 10% of your purchase price to a needy person. Isn’t it time you took those big healthcare decisions out of the hands of the medico-fascists and put them back where they belong, right on top of your pool table or kitchen counter? Don’t wait! Call right now!